Maternal Mental Health: Exploring Postnatal Emotions "Will I Love My Baby?" - Navigating Expectations vs Reality

Maternal Mental Health

Pregnancy, labour and birth can be a wild ride; physically, emotionally and mentally, talking about maternal mental health is so important. No two pregnancies are the same, even if you've been pregnant before, the feelings between previous pregnancies can be quite different, for many reasons.

In this blog I'm exploring and sharing my personal postnatal emotions with my first and second baby, and a question I asked myself, "will I love my baby?". I share how I found my expectations verses reality and what helped me navigating my feelings during this time. I discuss what I did differently in preparation for my second birth and what helped me the most during this time.

Exploring Postnatal Emotions: "Will I Love My Baby?"

"Will I love my baby?" This was the question I asked myself throughout my second pregnancy. Following the birth of my first daughter I didn't get an immediate "rush of love" that I'd heard people talk about, my feelings weren't that straightforward. Instead, I felt relieved that she was here safely, tired from the work of birth and shocked that she was a girl; we had wanted a 'surprise' but I was convinced she was going to be a boy. I'd achieved the birth I wanted, a vaginal breech birth, fully supported by my husband, and health care team of midwives and doctors. My birth was amazing and I felt positively about my birth experience. However, when it came to describing how I felt about my new baby, "love" was not the word that immediately sprang to mind, "shock" would be more appropriate.

You can read Arabella's Vaginal Breech Birth Story on my blog.

When we got home from hospital, I asked my husband if he loved Arabella and he replied "I know I need to take care of her but I don't know if I love her yet" - oh the relief I felt when he said those words and was honest. It wasn't just me.

Processing my postnatal feelings

The thing is, when my daughter was born I hadn't heard many people describe similar postnatal feelings to mine and I felt like I'd failed. I felt guilty for not feeling 'how I should' and jealous of the people who felt the immediate love for their baby. I also thought if I told my Health Visitor how I actually felt, that I didn't feel 'love' for my baby, she'd be taken away from me. Something, with hindsight, I know not to be true. But when your expectation doesn't match with your reality, it can be hard to process. And actually reality can look many different ways.

I explained how I felt to my eldest brother, who was already a parent, and I remember him telling me he thought I did love my daugher, but that with everything going on (becoming a new parent, sleep deprivation, establishing breastfeeding etc), maybe I didn't have the space to realise the love I felt it just yet. I remember finding comfort in his words, and feeling grateful for him listening to me without judgement.

Falling in love with my baby

It was 6 weeks later, walking in the park, looking in her pram that out of the blue I thought "oh wow I love you" - I can remember that walk and that feeling so clearly, even many years later.

I have since talked to others about their postnatal feelings for their baby and found reassurance and comfort when others say they felt similar to me, and oh the relief I felt because I wasn't alone. If you are reading this and feel similar, please know you aren't alone. Your experience and feelings are valid.

Second pregnancy, what I did differently to help me

Finding out the baby's sex

In my second pregnancy I was keen to find out the sex of my baby, I went for a private ultrasound scan because the NHS couldn't say for sure. I hoped knowing the sex would help me bond with my baby before she was born.

Acceptance of my feelings

I talked to her in my tummy and visualised her with us. Most helpful to me was accepting that I might not feel an immediate "rush of love" for her, and I was OK with that. I knew love would come in time. I talked to my husband, friends and family about my feelings and found sharing and being honest really helped.

This time I felt the love straightaway

After I birthed my second daughter at home in a birth pool (I share her birth story here), as soon as I saw her and heard her cry, I felt love, an overwhelming rush of love, I cried and said "I love her" between sobs. This might not have happened, and that would have been ok.

I share Adeline's home water birth story on the Positive Birth Leeds blog.

Talking helps - support is there for you

How you feel when your baby is born is valid, there are so many reasons you might feel the way you do. Personally I found talking really helpful to processing and accepting my feelings, and removing any shame or stigma. If you feel worried at all, do speak to someone. Part of my role as a doula is to hold space for you, your feelings and experiences, validate them and support you emotionally through your unique experience.

I talk to my clients about Matrescence: the developmental transition into motherhood, understanding this transformational time on a biological level, and having support in place, like doula support (birth or postnatal) can really help you navigating your experience, and help you thrive.

I hope sharing my personal experience helps you feel a little more normal or a little less alone. Please know you are doing an amazing job and if you want to chat about doula and hypnobirthing support I offer get in touch or book a free video chat.

Charlotte x

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I'm Charlotte, a doula and hypnobirthing specialist based in Leeds, West Yorkshire. I support parents-to-be - like you - feel seen, heard and empowered navigating your perinatal journey.

Book a free discovery call to talk about your doula and hypnobirthing support options.

Find the latest group hypnobirthing course dates are available on the Positive Birth Leeds website.